Perhaps we need to remember from time to time that it’s perfectly normal, and expected, to be wrestling most of the way.
We tried and tried to loosen the knots, //
Thinking once we’re untangled we’ll be better off //
But it’s these failures //
And faults that hold us together…
I’m not sure why I’ve been let inside all these marriages. I’m no marriage counsellor.
The marriage that seems to have gone flat after becoming parents.
The challenging in-laws.
The frequent and long separations for work.
The major illnesses.
The infertility.
The tight finances.
The infidelity.
The premature birth.
When did I grow up and find that these are not things happening to my parents’ friends, things I’d hear about in passing, but now they are happening around us? And if these are the ones confiding in me, how many more are struggling?
Facebook tells of all the celebrations, the highs, the victories.
The weddings.
The births.
The house purchases.
The travels.
The accolades.
Only in the quiet, behind the curtains, do I hear about the truly painful lows. But there is something extraordinary and courageous about facing the truth, about dwelling on the reality and not just what we feel is worth presenting to the rest of the world.
Recently, at dinner with some girlfriends, I lightly asked one how her husband was doing adjusting to fatherhood. She unexpectedly opened up:
“I’d be lying if I said he was doing great.” She spoke of him with sympathy and frustration, understanding and disappointment.
She was so willing to acknowledge the reality, to not run away from the space of uncertainty. To acknowledge that her marriage, like most, sat somewhere on a spectrum between perfection and disaster. Even though I’m sure the last thing she felt was courageous, I wanted to tell her that I thought she was.
All around us are marriages making it, for better or worse. They’re generally quite young marriages – few of us have hit the five or ten year mark – but old enough that we’ve already hit serious bumps in the road.
Perhaps we need to remember from time to time that it’s perfectly normal, and expected, to be wrestling most of the way. Sometimes we wrestle more intensely or more painfully, or we wrestle with boredom, disappointment, lack of understanding. Sometimes we wrestle into unchartered and scary territory. Sometimes we wrestle to a solution, and other times we simply don’t. We put it on a shelf, and perhaps try to wrestle it again later. But as we wrestle, the knot gets tighter, for better or worse, as our lives get further and further wrapped together. The one flesh that we became when we said ‘I do’ grows of it’s own accord. The scar where we joined together is now just one mark on a body that only partially resembles the original two separate beings.
That is the truth of the tied knot.
We tried and tried to loosen the knots,
Thinking once we’re untangled we’ll be better off
But it’s these failures
And faults that hold us together
Better or worse, but what else can we do?
And better or worse
I am tethered to you, if it’s not either of us
Tell me who are we fooling?
This beautiful tangle that’s bruising us blue.
It’s a beautiful knot that we just can’t undo.
Together we’re one but apart
Tell me who are we fooling?
‘Cause real love is hard love
It’s all we have
It’s a break-neck, train wreck
It’s all we have
– Brooke Fraser’s ‘Who Are We Fooling?’
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Lucy O’Donoghue is a graduate student in theology and public health, and lives in Bangkok, Thailand with her husband and baby boy. For more of her writing, visit Craic & Banter (www.craicandbanter.wordpress.com) or buy a copy ofChasing Misery: An Anthology of Essays by Women in Humanitarian Responses.